As the year comes to an end, I have had a little time to reflect on the past year. In this society of reposting, reblogging, repinning, and basing ones opinions on whatever one reads on Facebook, EVERYTHING is trending and going viral, whether it's bad or good. As I look back on the biggest trends, I can't help but worry about humanity as a whole. Here are my picks for the top 15 worst trends of 2012:
15. Furbies. Imagine my horror as I was walking through the mall one day, innocently shopping for something (probably shoes) and I saw a sign in front of a department store proudly boasting "We have furbies!" With a racing heart and sweaty palms I quickly clotheslined the nearest elderly woman, waited until she came to, and asked her what the date was. She confirmed that the dumbest toy trend of all time (what do those things DO anyway?!) had returned and that I had not, in fact, stepped back into 1998 Delorian style. I am not repeating my junior year of high school? THANK GOD.
With all this YOLO and swag talk, I think I'm about to go cray cray.
14. YOLO. And also, SWAG. We can lump them together into one category called RIDICULOUS VOCABULARY. What can I even say about this? Yes,' you only live once' is a great motto to live by, and in some religions is even considered to be a fact. Is it cool to live life to the fullest and enjoy the moment? Yes, of course. Is it cool to tattoo YOLO on yourself, scream it in every rap song created this year and graffiti it onto buildings? Never. And according to the Urban Dictionary, SWAG is: "One of the most overused words nowadays. Primarily used by the same people that use terms such as "YOLO", meaning it is mostly used by douchebags wearing their hats sideways and their pants so low they'll trip and fall if they attempt to walk any faster than a sloth." Ah damn, I forgot to add CRAY. Don't get me started on that one or I might get all cray cray. Because I'm just too lazy and cool for that one extra z.
Carly Rae Jepson, you are ruining my life.
13. Three words. Carly. Rae. Jepson. Ugh. Or how about these three words - Call. Me. Maybe. Or how about all of the ecards and Pinterest posts with cutesy plays on words. The problem with all of these is that every single damn one of them, no matter how far removed from the actual lyrics, still got that damn song stuck in my head. Three days minimum. Every time. Stop it, stop it now.
12. High heeled sneakers. This is not the first time this trend has come around. And my reaction is still the same - no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Someone order me this bumper sticker right now.
11. Girls who call their boyfriends their "hubbies." I spent thousands of dollars, went through countless stressful hours of planning, bickering bridesmaids, stressing and heartburn to earn the right to call my husband "hubby". And I still don't. Because it is a stupid word. And you are stupid for using it. Especially because you aren't married! Quit rushing everything and save some things for later, damnit.
I'm sure your parents are proud.
10. Youth anthems. Who had the asinine idea to start writing these songs about teen drunkenness and passing them off as cute and trendy? Celebrating promiscuity, drunkenness, and irresponsibility is a music trend best left to the rap artists. Stop it, stop it now.
Hey kids, remember this?
9. The Paleo diet. Where do I start? First off, this is so basically a gluten free diet without calling it that, which for those of us who HAVE to follow because of medical reasons, cannot ever understand following it just for fun or to be cool. Also, the paleo diet is supposed to be the "caveman" diet. So why are paleo apple crisp recipes going viral? Cavemen did not eat apple crisp. I promise you. And finally, I said it before with the whole Atkins diet thing and I'll say it again. Remember that food pyramid we all had to learn and memorize in school? There were reasons behind that. Scientists and doctors studied for years the best foods for humans to eat and in which amounts. Then some really overweight person discovered that if they severely restricted what they ate, they lost weight. SHOCKER! I'm going to let you in on a little secret to losing weight and being healthy (and I'm not even going to charge you)... eat less and move more. I know this is a really tough concept to get so I'm going to repeat is slowly for you while you write it down. E a t l e s s and m o v e m o r e. That, my friends, is totally Paleolithic.
Stop at nothing. Except for the next major tragedy or trend that comes along and makes you forget not to stop.
8. Kony 2012. Everybody remember this? How many remember what it was all about? Anybody know what's going on now? Anybody actually get off their ass and DO something about it? I doubt it. Because it's really cool to watch a video on Facebook and repost it a hundred times, even if you didn't really watch it, didn't know what it was all about or didn't do much research on it. Because of the stupid viral reposting trend, that monster got SO MUCH attention and energy in his favor and to no end. I'm all for social responsibility, but most of you went right on about your daily lives and don't even think of it anymore.
This is what it takes to make it big in the music industry these days. Wait, where's his guitar?
7. Gangnam style. Admit it, you sang along and you didn't even know what you were saying. I am getting so tired of people getting famous for making awful music that isn't even music. It seems the more ridiculous you dress and sound, the more famous you get and the more money you make. Yet we are surrounded by incredibly talented musicians in garages all over our nearby communities struggling to make it because instead of supporting their shows your lazy asses are sitting around on your couch watching Psy dance on a Korean subway. Probably while eating your Paleo apple crisp. You caveman, you.
Okay, everybody follow with me. Down... and then up. That'll be $150. Muah hahahahaha.
6. Hey guys! Come join this super trendy workout craze we like to call Crossfit! Come to our gym and we are going to charge you $150 a month to do push-ups and burpees and jump rope! Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know it's the same stuff that you did in elementary school calisthenics and that you can do in your own living room for FREE... but because you are paying out the ass for it and because we are a "family" we believe that you will actually be guilted into keeping up with this. P.S. Running and pushups are free, I do them almost every day at home and it doesn't cost me anything.
Repost if you agree.
5. The death of originality. Sigh. I remember a time when people had original thoughts, read books, had conversations with others and developed their own opinions. Now its "repost this" and "like that if you agree" and I honestly can't remember ever being so scared for the future of our society. We live in a world where people either have no original thoughts left of their own or are too spineless to express them and that is terrifying. Good, bad, or ugly, have an opinion, back it up with some real research, and by all means express it! I am two bad days away from deleting all of the chronic "reposters" from my Facebook friends list, which will result in I'm guessing, over a 50% drop from my list. But it would definitely be worth.
Press pound for social acceptance.
4. Hashtagging nothing at all, just because it looks "cool". I am maybe beating this one to death. I personally believe that most people (not all, but most) who are hashtagging nothing at all don't realize that others use the hash tag to link together their social networking groups on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, etc. Some people do that properly to you I say "Cheers"! To the rest of you who are randomly adding that poor pound sign five times at the end of every post followed by a poorly punctuated, run-on sentence, stop it, stop it now! #thisdoesntmeananything #youreforgettinghowtowrite #yetagainwiththedeathoforginality #ihateyourface #yourewearingoutthepoundsignkey###
Please send dear old JC your love. 1 like = 1 prayer.
3. Guilting. All I have to say is repost this blog or your mom will die at midnight. Also, if you don't hit "like" on the Facebook link, then you have no heart. 1 like = 1 prayer. And God is reading Facebook so you better do it. And whatever you do, do NOT look any further into this or verify the facts before reposting, only intelligent people do that.
This only belongs in Vegas.
2. Dubstep. This is not music. Stop it, stop it now.
My inner goddess wants to shank Anna Steele for being such a dumbass.
1. And drum roll please for my #1 WORST TREND OF 2012 - 50 Shades of Domestic Violence. Wait, that's not right. 50 Shades of #imadumbasswhoprobablyhashtagsnothing. Oops, not it again. Ladies, what the eff is wrong with you?! THERE ARE SO MANY THINGS WRONG WITH THESE BOOKS! Not only is the worst, most elementary writing to ever hit the best-seller list, the story sucks! Let's set aside the constant redundancy, forced vocabulary and elementary narrative, oh who am I kidding, I can't set that aside. It's awful. But the worst part is the "Christian Grey melts my heart" trend. This book made yearrrrs of listening to my female compadres complaints about their broken hearts finally make total and complete sense. Oh Christian Grey is your dream man? It's allll clear to me now. A perfect example of how all women say they (insert whiny chick voice) "just want to meet a nice guy who treats me right" out loud while in reality they are looking for Christian Grey - a "handsome" (how do you know he's hot anyway, it's a BOOK?), extremely wealthy ($$$), dominatrix who abuses his lady physically, mentally, and emotionally, takes away literally ALL of her independence, forces her to eat what he wants, wear what he says she can, sign a CONTRACT of how she is allowed to behave and requires complete control over every aspect of her life. What part of this is appealing to you again? Women, you are FAILING at life and love here! I am so ashamed to be a woman for the simple fact that people assume I must love these books and wish I was married to Christian Grey as well. Shoot me now. If you are that hard up for some excitement, burn those books, watch some good old fashioned porn and then GO MEET A NICE GUY. They are everywhere. I can give you a list.
Well, that's all folks. It shall be interesting to see how many people I have succeeded in offending with this one. #catchyounexttime #weareyoung #repostthisisifyoudonthatebabiesandpuppies