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On Divorce.

f0f4799dedcc425b8d4d187bb4d98de1 I believe that it’s finally time to address the topic of divorce. It is a very private thing yet very public at the same time. Everybody knows it’s happening yet nobody has the courage to ask the question they all want to know… Why?

The unfortunate thing in these circumstances is there really isn’t a good way to address the WHY without seeming as though you are trashing the other person. I have no desire to do this. Just because we aren’t good people for each other doesn’t mean we aren’t good people. And as much as I prefer to be a private person in these sorts of affairs, I understand and know that I owe it to so many people not to ignore it. A lot of people are affected by a divorce. A lot of people put a lot of time and work into our wedding and into our lives. I can promise you that neither of us take that for granted and that has been one of the hardest things for me to face – the guilt over everything everyone did for us. I hope that each of you that may feel a pang in your heart of frustration for all the time, money, and emotion invested into our special day and building our home will find forgiveness as I am trying to do for myself.

I don’t think anybody ever goes into a marriage thinking that it’s NOT going to work. But to be perfectly honest, when he said he would love me forever and that his feelings would never change, I always knew deep down inside that it was a lie. He never was in love with me in the first place. We made a big mistake getting married and we both admit that now. We each married each other for different reasons and they were ALL the wrong reasons.

There is no way to address what happened without trashing him. There just isn’t. There is, however, a reason that they call it Divorce Book, I can definitively say that. Always trust your gut, it will never steer you wrong. In my case, I knew for a very long time that something wasn’t right. And when I trusted my instinct to do a little snooping I found that my gut was right in ways beyond anything my imagination could ever think up. I truly never knew the man that I lived with for four years. I knew absolutely nothing about him. That is a scary thing to wake up to, but a fairly easy thing to walk away from. The difficulty in divorce has not come from losing this person  but from major life changes. Moving. Making big decisions that will affect more than just myself. Giving up my puppy. Supporting myself financially, emotionally, and mentally again. Ready or not, there I went.

You all know who I am. You know I will never fail. I will never be broken. I take things like disappointment and lies and hurt feelings and discouragement and I drink them up. I turn it into intense motivation – motivation to do better, be stronger and to learn from my mistakes.  I know EXACTLY what I need in life now. Maybe that’s the reason I had to go through this. Because there is no question for me anymore. One of the most difficult parts has been forgiving myself for fucking up. Because that’s what I did. I ignored my intuition, I went against my values and I made terrible, awful choices. This is how we learn. But it’s also how we hurt other people.

I think the single hardest thing is dealing with people’s reactions. People can be so judgmental but I almost find that humorous to be honest. Everyone has an opinion and most of them are from people who know nothing about the situation. If you are a good enough friend that you have my number and can pick up the phone and ask me what happened, I’d be happy to tell you. I am not sad and it doesn’t hurt me to talk about it. These things are facts and nothing more. As much as I want to shout it from the roof tops so that people will stop believing that I “just left one day and didn’t tell him why” (really? You really going to believe that?) I can’t really do so without sounding like a bitter jealous mean girl. Yes, there was another woman involved. Yes, there was lying and infidelity and all that. Yes, he is the one that didn’t want to work it out. Yes, he is an idiot. But so am I. And to be honest, if our relationship was strong in any way, we would have worked it out or at least tried. But we had nothing to stand on. There was nothing there to begin with. We were roommates who lived separate lives and EVERYBODY deserves more than that, even him.

I don’t have much more to say on the subject other than I am doing very well. I know that life and hurt makes people build up walls to keep others out. I used to be that way. But I am so glad that I learned to let them down because I cannot imagine going through the day-to-day trials of life without the strong, courageous, amazing people that I have in mine. For all of you who have supported me, lifted me up and held my hand through this THANK YOU. You have no idea how much it means to me. Checking on me, keeping me distracted, talking me through it, cheering me on, sending me quotes and pictures and visiting my new place. Supporting my business, making me laugh. Going to the movies with me or out dancing. All of these things have made every second of the last two months worth feeling.

And finally, yes, judging by my facebook and Instagram, it seems that I am out partying, travelling, dancing, drinking, cooking, laughing and living it up. That’s because I am out partying, travelling, dancing, drinking, cooking, laughing and living it up. I can’t change the past so why dwell on it? Also, you all KNOWWWW me. How do I get through this crazy life and get everything I want? By being crazy enough to believe I can. I always focus on the good, the laughs, the smiles, the good times and how to get more. Because that’s the key. Focus on the good to bring more good. At this point in my life that’s all I want.

I apologize if this disappointed you because it wasn’t filled with the sordid details of what happened between us. I am not good at writing soap operas. Anyhow, I’m sure he could list a hundred ways in which I was a rotten wife if he wanted to so let’s not start that war. I don’t see the point in hashing out details publicly. But know this, I can’t speak for him but I can speak for myself that the hardest part is worrying about the reactions of the friends and family that you feel like you are disappointing. I truly appreciate everything that everyone has done for me in the past four years and I love you all. We are all okay and life is good and we are getting through this with the support of the people that have always been there, for better or worse.

Biggest salad EVER.

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