On being alone.
It’s no secret that these past 9 months have been incredibly hard for me. While I still feel like the luckiest person in the world for the life I have, I am also lonely. I have made a lot of bad choices and landed myself in some pretty hard situations. I have focused on the wrong things, the wrong people, gotten myself hurt. I have felt lost more often than not. And the most frustrating thing to me is that so many people tell me that I’m doing things all wrong- that I need to learn to be happy alone. But that doesn’t make a lot of sense to me because I don’t understand WHY I need to do that. Why should you focus on getting happy being alone when humans aren’t meant to be alone? When the only thing actually missing in your life is a companion? People always say you have to spend time working on yourself, be a better version of yourself, learn to be happy alone. I’m sorry but I just really struggle to understand that. It’s not an egotistical thing, I by no means am perfect. I have much to improve and I work on those things every day. But I am very comfortable and happy with who I am and the life I have built. I have a great home, great relationships with friends and family. I am healthy and thriving, happy with my income, and I have built a business from the ground up that is successful and thrills me daily. I am educated, well read, adventurous and have overcome every obstacle that I have ever found in my path. What is it exactly that I’m supposed to be working on? Why is it such a sin just to want somebody there alongside for those adventures? Someone to share the menial day to day things we have to do? Someone to make the bad days not so bad and the good days twice as good? I understand the fault in forcing it or looking too hard - boy do I know how that turns out. But I am really struggling to understand why it is so wrong to want that companionship in the first place. If one more person tells me that I need to focus on being happy alone I’m going to explode. I am not sure how I could really love my life any more than I have these past couple of years. Maybe I’m not thrilled to be doing it all alone now but that’s my point - why should I learn to be thrilled about being alone? We as humans are social animals, built for love. Why should I focus on learning to not want love and family, which are the most important things in the world to me? Being a wedding photographer my whole career and day-to-day life are based around love. The thing that gets me every single weekend are the parents and grandparents - I watch them dance, hear their struggles that they’ve made it through together and I feel a sadness that at the age I am I will never be able to be a part of that partnership that has lasted 60+ years. But even so, why would I give up on wanting that anyway? It’s real and it exists all around us. I thought I had found my best friend, my life partner. And I built a life around him and our dreams. And that turned out to be a smokescreen. It happens. Why am I supposed to spend years mourning that though? Why do I catch so much flack for still believing in what we were working towards but just wanting to do it with the RIGHT person? This world is a lonely, lonely place for those who turn their back on people, who push away love. Who focus on the hurt they’ve experienced and use that to build a wall around them. I just can’t be that person. I am too happy and have too much to give. So while yes, I am working on myself daily, and always trying to be the best version of myself that I can be, that is exactly what I do whether I am in a relationship or single. That never changes for me. And in the meantime I DO really want to find my partner and best friend. Because that as humans is what we are built for. So while I continue to try to listen to the advice of my friends and family, to do my best to learn to love this life just as much alone as I did before, I just can’t wrap my brain around this idea that it’s wrong to look for somebody great to share it with.