I’m not ready to drive down that driveway yet.
Because every single day since December 4 that I have gone down that drive way I have seen and felt the same thing. That night was when we started our tradition of Christmas music and hot chocolate and decorating the tree. That evening I got there just as the sun was dipping behind the hills and as I turned onto the long driveway I saw three excited little boys running as fast as they could towards the house. It was so dim that they were silhouettes, and they were running in order of age, tallest to shortest, the little ones almost keeping up with big brother. It was like something out of a painting with their shadows moving across the orange sky. My heart BURST. And it was at that moment that I felt like I understood what home means. What family means. It was one of the happiest moments of my life, not because I was expecting anything or feeling like I belonged to it but because I was just totally and completely appreciating the moment and all that it meant. I never once turned down that drive after that night without seeing those three boys madly racing towards the house against the dark sunset backdrop through the walnut orchards. It has made me smile every single time. I don’t want to lose that feeling or that memory or replace it with anything negative. I want to hold on to that forever, even if I never see them again.